walking on egg shells with hobbit feet. crossing the path of righteousness and looking it off in anticipation of the pain it entails. fear is the only thing that drives me, positivity isn’t bred in my motivational capacity. the fear grips my fingers and toes until laying down is agonizing, while frantically pacing feels like down time. wound too tight with no outlets for this perpetual anxiety. I am balancing the explosion of a boston marathon bomb and the constant droning of bells. i see peace in my path only with destructive means to a transcendent end. we crunch all the numbers just to second guess the actuality of their higher purpose. We live for others and die for ourselves. alone and wondering what it would have been like without those voices. without the fear that bears upon our haunches. everyone is a genius in their own mind, and maybe there is truth in that. how sad it is that we wash ourselves of our genius to explore the revelation of normality. here we are world, shape us until we are no more. lifeless existence that has no appreciation. live for the day. CARPE DIEM. the phrase that was founded on its anti-principle. what we should be, how we should feel. nothing to show for it but the fear that triumphs in all of us. I look at what I’ve done with a cold grim stare. As meaningless as the fear-engined souls I encounter pursuing that grandiose higher education I’m no more educated. just given skewed perceptions of what i am capable of. Again wondering if This Too Shall Pass….OK … GO
As I sit here sucking on this lozenge, feeling the effects of an incredible sickness that has been brewing for the last year, and listening to my melodic Itunes playlist the thoughts come piling in. I have been blessed with such good health this past year, I was just waiting for this to come. And boy did it ever. I’ve been laying in bed feeling like a sad puddle of a man for the last two days. Friends support has been great, and I am also blessed to have people surrounding me who are always there looking out for me. Blessings are hard to come by in this life, and I try to greet them all with gratitude.
It’s the lenten season, and as my Christian faith gets pushed farther and farther from my true being I still enjoy the idea of looking introspectively. I hate to admit how recklessly I have been living for the past year. Maybe the sickness and current injury are simply manifestations of the lack of control I have shown. I don’t know where my future is leading me or how my decisions will affect my future, but I do know that I will go about them differently.
I am excited to live, hopefully love (sooner than later), and learn from that. But I want to go about that with a deep sense of accountability and compassion for all involved. Every college kid wants to be Wiz Khalifa “Young, Wild, and Free” until it becomes apparent how devastating and irresponsible that lifestyle is. Sometimes I drink too excessively, I curse way too much, and abuse intimacy even if every so often. And it’s amazing that these are things to be revered as a young person in a place where we are trying to educate ourselves.
I decided to make this blog to give a very visceral depiction of my human experience. I’m twenty years old with a lot of life to live, and that’s something to look forward to. But I cannot justify careless living for a lack of experience. As a young person I have an endless array of emotions, decisions, and doubts. It’s hard to process all of these in a fulfilling way.
I am in a happy place, but I have put myself in a situation where I have to question myself constantly. I am enjoying where things are, but there is a concern for future. I find myself juggling my own self interest with the feelings and expectations of another. I have to believe honesty is the key to mutual satisfaction. So it looks like I will live or die by the sword, but I will do so without regrets of the path I chose.
If anything, mom, my only reader (ha ha), I will be toning down the curse words.
Been bummed out by some achilles tendon problems, feelin better and hopefully this week I can get back training. On a different note I;m back at school and excited to start up another semester. Classes seem interesting enough to get me through just fine.
Great New Years celebration had last night. I was able to catch up with people I havn’t seen in almost two years. A nostalgic night indeed. I got home after the ball had dropped and was just smiling as I fell asleep because of how fulfilled my celebration was.
On to 2012. I hate resolutions but this year I do have some things I’m set on accomplishing. I want to learn the guitar… for real this time. Read and write daily, and expand my creative and intellectual abilities. And athletically I want to be the fittest I’ve been in my entire life, and run a good time for my spring half marathon. Now it’s on to making these things realities.
6 miler with Jacob was fantastically terrible or terribly fantastic. my outlook is dependent on how I feel tomorrow. I wasn’t going to take up the offer of a afternoon of hurt, but what the hell no better way to get in shape and get motivated then a sink or swim approach. today was a sink, but I can feel lots of swims in my future(of the metaphorical nature of coarse).
Spent 24 of my last 48 hours in a car on the way to see my sister preform her senior recital. It’s been two year since I have seen her preform, and she was nothing short of breath taking. It’s astonishing to see how far she’s come in the last four years in that isolated wacko-ville that’s awkwardly placed in rural Ohio. I can’t be more proud of her progression; her passion and work ethic is a real inspiration.
Which lead to me think of all the inspirational people I have in my life. I am blessed to put such a high standard on all the things I do, because all the people surrounding me have instilled that in me and I am constantly reminded of that. This is a big year for me, for her, and for a lot of people in my life.